Grindr (and the other apps) Aren't Ruining Your Love Life. The Way You Use Them Could.
Let's Dive In To Intentional App Usage
“I’m so sick of getting ghosted”
“I can’t believe the blatant racism within our community, and just how bad it is on the apps”
“I met my husband on the apps and I’m so thankful”
“I take it for what it’s worth and I’ve actually made some really good friends on the apps”
These are actual quotes that I’ve heard from both clients and across my social media platforms. When speaking about apps within the gay community, one thing is for certain, it draws really strong opinions. If I write or talk about the positive effects of app usage, there is an onslaught of haters flaming me out. If I write or talk about the negative impact of apps in the gay community, it’s the same response. But guess what? It’s not so easy as to reduce this entire dialogue to one conclusion that works for all. It’s more nuanced than that. I am going to cover the good, the bad, and a few things in between, but the overarching theme of this article is intention. Let’s dive in.
As I normally do, I like to start with the nerdy stuff. I’ve sourced numerous articles and peer-reviewed journals for the latest data and stats on app usage in the gay community so that you don’t have to. And if you are reading this and would like to know more, I’m happy to provide those references.
✅ THE GOOD
1. Connection = Lifeline
For many gay men, especially in conservative or rural areas, dating apps are the only way to find connection, community, and sex.
🧠 Apps can boost confidence and self-esteem by creating space to explore identity.
2. Casual Sex Can Be a Confidence Boost
Studies show some users feel more validated, desirable, and socially connected after casual encounters through apps.
3. Real Relationships Still Happen
Yep, even in 2025. Some folks still meet partners or real friendships through Grindr, Scruff, or Hinge.
🚨 THE BAD
1. Apps Fuel Anxiety & Depression
Recent studies show higher rates of psychological distress, anxiety, and body image issues among frequent app users, especially gay men.
2. Swipe Fatigue Is Real
Endless scrolling and ghosting lead to emotional burnout.
📉 Many users say they feel worse after using dating apps — lonelier, insecure, and numb.
3. Addictive by Design
Apps are built like slot machines. Every match = dopamine hit.
But rejection? It spikes cortisol, tanks your mood, and even lowers your libido.
4. Looks > Everything
Hyperfocus on body, race, and age in profiles reinforces shame, exclusion, and comparison.
🪞 A 2025 study found app use often leads to worse body image for gay men, especially those over 35.
🔥 THE UGLY TRUTH
1. Internalized Homophobia + Apps = Mental Chaos
If you’re already carrying shame or discomfort about your sexuality, dating apps can magnify it.
People end up stuck in loops: feel bad → swipe → hook up → feel worse.
2. Grindr Culture Is Getting Called Out
Fifteen years later, users are speaking out:
💬 “It’s like a gay bar in your pocket, but with way more racism, rejection, and shame.”
(Source: The Guardian, 2024)
3. The App Exodus Has Begun
More men are logging off and saying, “I want real connection. I’m done with this mess.”
Studies show a growing number of users are leaving apps due to emotional exhaustion and shallow interactions.
Armed with this information, it feels like a no-win situation, right? But let’s see if we can balance this out. And if you watched my latest TikTok video, you already know where this is going. Intentional app usage. So you’re probably saying, “Allen, what is intentional app usage? That sounds really crunchy for me!”
Intentional app usage is listening to what is calling you to use the app, and then naming it. Are you logging on because you are:
bored
horny
feeling lonely
genuinely looking to make friends in a small town
looking for friends in a travel area
feeling unseen
seeking validation
Now our first instinct is to place blame on these emotions, thoughts, and feelings. But guess what? If you are feeling them, then it’s real. I hear so (so so so) often, “Well if they weren’t always on the apps, they wouldn’t feel like this. They wouldn’t be depressed etc.” As we said earlier, it isn’t as easy as reducing this to one common theme.
🌟 One thing to help you manage the apps differently
So let’s talk more about intention. We have asked ourselves why we are logging on and identified that thought or feeling. The next step is to name it. Call it what it is.
Are you horny and just want to get off? Awesome. Name it!
Are you truly seeking to meet someone in small town America? Awesome. Name it.
Naming it keeps us grounded. It gives us filters. Without filters, we stray into areas of app usage that can be dangerous. Settling for things that truly don’t meet our needs. Things that may not honor the true spirit of why we logged on to begin with. In simpler terms, it’s much easier to “settle” for something if we don’t have filters in place.
Side Note:
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention logging on for the purposes of feeling unseen, seeking validation, and loneliness. While each person is different in their processing style, it is always recommended to sit with these feelings before logging on, and perhaps asking yourself the question, “Will logging on serve my higher purpose and will it fill this void?” Let this question settle. Sit with the truth. Even if it’s hard to face. Especially if it’s hard to face. This may be something you want to look deeper at. You may want to enlist outside support if you are in struggle. But try, as best you can, to avoid placing blame, shame, and judgment on these feelings. That will get us nowhere. Ever.
Side Note 2:
If you are anti app, fine. If you are pro app, fine. My one wish for our entire community is that we stop the hate and judgment for others’ choices. We are facing the toughest political climate of our time. Our rights and our existence are being questioned and challenged every single day. Let’s try to lead with love and curiosity. Let others live and let live. If it’s not hurting us or impacting us, why does it need judgment and shame from our own community?
So let’s recap:
Identify why you are logging on and sit with that emotion or feeling (and make sure you are at peace with that)
Name it. Call it what it is.
Move forward in action with intention.
And if you are questioning some deeper, darker feelings about your usage, reach out for support.
Apps aren’t going anywhere. And neither are your feelings.
You can be horny, hopeful, bored, lonely, or craving connection. You can hold all of that while making choices that honor who you are.
That’s what this work is. Not deleting the apps. Not deleting yourself when you use them.
The truth is, we’re living in a time where everything feels uncertain. Our rights, our safety, our visibility. None of it is guaranteed. In the middle of all that, many of us still open the apps. Hoping for a moment of intimacy. A bit of relief. A way to feel human.
Let’s stop shaming each other for how we’re surviving. Let’s lead with honesty, curiosity, and maybe a little more grace.
And if the way you’re using the apps doesn’t feel good anymore, you can change that. You really can. You don’t have to do it alone.
This is the work I do with men every day. When you’re ready, I'm here.
One last thing.
Today’s been rough in the U.S. A lot of you are processing anger, grief, fear, confusion, or all of it at once. I’m sending peace your way. The kind that helps you breathe, even for a second.
Let’s keep showing up. Let’s keep fighting.
And please, take care of yourselves and each other.
With love,
Allen
Teaser: In my next article, we will explore ghosting, people pleasing, and just how they might impact you in ways you never thought. Stay tuned!
